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Thursday, February 19th, 2004
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Hey everybody, I have a new journal so add me if you would. I even updated my old profile and interests and also made a new journal layout. Check it out:
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif?v=92.2) lets_not_forget
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Wednesday, February 18th, 2004
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I went a few days being rather content but once again I am now so very sad. That's all I feel like saying for now.
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I was wondering, does anybody have any pictures of me by any chance? If you do, email them to me at cloudsoverdreams@hotmail.com or something. I'm sick of having this picture of myself from July of '03 (that I don't even own; I had to borrow it from a friend and scan it) as my journal icon. I don't own any pictures of myself. If you have a camera and see me around somewhere, TAKE MY PICTURE PLEASE!!! I have had a digital camera forever, but somehow never have the money to buy a memory card or remember to get one when I do have money.
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Monday, February 16th, 2004
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I was outbid by one dollar in the last 9 seconds of an Ebay auction for an out-of-print Elvis Costello box set. Man...I'm really a non-violent person, but stupid crap like that makes me want to get a whole lot of guns and bombs and go on a rampage. Oh well, luckily it only took a few seconds for me to calm down and remember that it was just a few CDs and it's not the end of the world as we know it. I mean God forbid that Riley doesn't get an out-of-print Elvis Costello box set, heh. I need to quit suppressing all of these emotions all the time, because someday I'm going to snap and beat the crap out of someone and everyone will be shocked.
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Sunday, February 15th, 2004
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What I did this weekend:
+ received money in the mail from grandparents for Valentine's Day
+ went to some antique shows with my dad
+ spent money on a few hard-to-find video games I've been wanting to play forever and found an awesome used CD that you can't buy new in stores
-/+ found 3 New Order albums on vinyl, but was out of money by that time
+ went to see Kill Bill Vol. 1 in a theater (again) in Indy
+ was able to spend a lot of time talking to and hanging out with my dad
- missed the show in Elwood
-/+ didn't do anything special for Valentine's Day besides spend money and hang out with my dad; even though I wished I could do something more along the lines of what people typically do on that day, I still had an awesome time and it beats anything I can remember ever doing on Valentine's Day (which would be sitting at home alone and doing nothing)
Plans:
1. finish watching the movies I rented
2. see Lost in Translation in a theater in Indy sometime this week
3. see Reservoir Dogs in a theater in Indy this weekend (yes you heard me right)
4. hang out with my dad more and go to more antique shows with him
5. spend more time playing my synthesizer
6. start asking people to hang out instead of waiting for them to do so
7. take more risks in general
8. hang out with my sister during her spring break
9. schedule another visit to IWU soon
10. go to the Bane/Armor For Sleep/Alexisonfire/Bear vs Shark/Silent Drive show in Indy on March 17th (no I'm not going for Bane)
11. start reading books again
12. finish making the comps I've been working on and start giving them to people
13. find a job, at least for the next few months
Recent goals set that have been accomplished:
* spending more time with my dad and building back a relationship with him
* finally weighing under 200 pounds after soon to be 2 years of dieting and 75 pounds lost
* having a general understanding and knowledge of movies/directors/actors
* successfully growing a beard (kind of)
* figuring out what to do with my life at the moment
All of those things I'm still working on and still have a lot of room for progress.
Thoughts to ponder:
~ Most relationships end the way they start.
~ Happiness is an illusion.
~ Open more doors than you close.
~ Intelligence isn't book-smarts, general knowledge, and big vocabularies; intelligence is how you react and adapt to what you observe and experience, how you deal with/prevent problems, and how well you understand life and people, because anything else is rather irrelevant.
~ People will always let you down.
~ Life just is (as in it is the way it is and most worrying and attempts to change it is a waste of time and quite pointless).
Quote of the moment:
"With so much drama in the LBC, It's kinda hard being Snoop D-O-Double-G."
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Saturday, February 14th, 2004
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Thursday, February 12th, 2004
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I think I finally figured out what to do with myself and my life, or at least for a little while, and that makes me very happy. Nothing at the moment is for sure, but if everything works out, I will be moving to Kokomo sometime in the summer. I've only been thinking about it for the past few days, but I've never been so sure of something in my life that I can recall. I was considering all of the pros and cons, and I can't find any cons yet. I know if I stay in Muncie that all I ever could probably accomplish is finding a job, and that is definitely not enough to satisfy me, and even though it would be nice, it's not enough. I know I will probably never find a roommate if I stay here, any friends to hang out with most likely either, or really much of a future at all. Besides that, I know if I ever did end up going to college that I would definitely not go to Ball State, and I don't want to live with my parents any longer than I have to. I really hope this all happens. If it does, I shouldn't have to worry about being so lonely and depressed anymore. I guess I need to continue to work on taking risks and putting myself in uncomfortable situations that I need to be in no matter how much I don't want to. I wouldn't be writing about all of this right now if I didn't. Thank you so much to Lindsay, Eric, Nate, and everyone else I've talked to in the last few days. Thank you to everyone who commented on my last two journal entries as well. I haven't been home to reply, and I figured nobody would see my replies if I added them to those entries now, so this is your reply.
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Tuesday, February 10th, 2004
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So today I will start actually taking risks again. It has been so long. I must do the things that make me uncomfortable, but yet are worth doing in the longrun. Some things are worth risking the possibility of getting hurt. Everything is uncomfortable the first time anyway. I guess I will eventually get used to it and grow out of my shyness/nervousness. I'm going to give this my best shot. I hope I don't give up or freak out and have a panic attack or something. If I succeed, then tonight should be a very good night. I need to really start speaking my mind more on the subjects that are uncomfortable to me as well. I'm a very honest person as far as what I say, but there are a lot of things I hold back on that maybe I should be saying. I guess not saying something when you should is a form of dishonesty; I don't know. I need to quit being afraid of rejection because everyone has opinions and I should to. I shouldn't have to try this hard not to possibly offend anyone at all. I'm way too overcautious of my actions and if I think a single thing could possibly offend even just one person, and even if that is a very slight possibility, I will most not likely do or say that thing. I need to really start living though. Who cares if people hate me I guess. I need to not be afraid about being more open about who I am. We don't all have to agree on everything. I need to work on expressing myself better, because it seems as if I really don't do it at all. How is anyone supposed to know who I am if I only let them know when I've known them for a while and feel really comfortable around them? Oh well, I'm trying.
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I guess things aren't really that bad. I got to talk to my sister on the phone last night and it really helped me a lot. I think sometimes I just need to talk to somebody or I'll go crazy, and that's understandable. I wish I had more people to talk to besides my sister and pretty much one person online though, and that I'd be able to actually hang out with people more than once a month or every other month or so. I guess I just have to remember the little things in life that I can look forward to, like getting to hang out with my dad on the weekends after not really being able to talk to him for years, getting to go to shows and see friends even if we don't get to really hang out or say much, getting to talk to my sister on the phone, going to the library, etc. I know I don't really have much at all going for me, but maybe I should try to be more optimistic, have more faith, and just try to appreciate and be thankful for the little things I do have. I'm really trying to make progress, even though it might seem like I'm just constantly giving up and complaining about everything by what I write in here. I just wish I knew something productive I could do with my time, some way to creatively express myself, or that I had a hobby that I could enjoy that wouldn't get old to me. I really do like watching movies, and I'm thankful for having enough time to watch an average of two or more a day, since there may not be another time in my life where I can do so (I hope). I guess I just feel that there should just be more to my life. Maybe I should work on trying to talk to people more when I actually do get out of the house, and maybe I should just try to take more risks in general, it's just so hard for me. A guy in my church is letting me borrow a practice amp, so I can at least play my synthesizer now without having to hook it up to my computer. Maybe I will have enough motivation to try to play it more often now. I guess I'll figure out something. I guess just all of the (mostly self-inflicted) pressure to get a job and go to college has just been stressing me out. I guess with that added to my problems with not really having any close friends, people to talk to, or any kind of female interaction in my life, it just seems that I have a lot running through my mind and way too much time to sit around and overthink these things and get depressed about them. I guess in time I will understand how to go about fixing these problems, it's just frustrating that in the past eight months I haven't came up with any successful ideas. Maybe I will actually get a job and somehow not be afraid of driving anymore and get a car and then go to college and do all of the things that it seems like everyone else does. I guess I'll have to find out. I wish I could actually make plans with people to do things at least once a week, and then I will at least have something to always look forward to and I won't be so depressed and lonely. I don't know how to go about doing that though since everyone lives so far away from me. It looks like I will be able to go to the show in Elwood this Friday though, so I guess that's a start, even though going to shows is nothing new to me. Maybe I will actually try to talk to people instead of standing around until someone says something to me this time. I don't know. I almost want to look into finding a psychiatrist, but I would feel odd bringing it up to my parents because I don't want to worry them and I don't want to ask them for the money it takes to do so. I've been thinking a lot about moving out too if I finally get a job, but that would be rather hard without a car, but there is a slight possibility that I could get around that. I guess if I found a roommate that most of my problems would be solved that way too. Everyone is telling me I should move to Marion, but without a car that is rather impossible. My dad is willing to drive me to work, so if only I could find a roommate in Muncie, then things wouldn't be so bad. I don't really know anybody in this city though and I've lived here all my life. Oh well, my sister will be home for a little while for spring break, Austin and Kyle asked me to go on tour with them for a month before Cornerstone this summer, and after the summer it looks like Gavin and Ryan will be going to Ball State (or so I hear) so maybe I will have some people to hang out with. So I guess I have some other things to look forward to even though they are quite a ways away. My sister invited me to go to LA with her for a year starting in the summer of 2005, so if things aren't any better by then, I will take her up on that. As stupid as it is, I just wish I was in a band, that I had a girlfriend, or that I had something/someone to keep me going that I could look forward to doing/seeing. Everyone keeps on telling me how I should put my digital camcorder I wasted so much money on to use and actually make some movies, but I don't know how to go about doing that. I would just make my own music on my computer with my synthesizer and computer programs, but I guess that seems a little lame to me. Maybe I should start making a 'zine or something. I have no idea. There are so many things I COULD be doing, but I don't know what I SHOULD be doing or what I even WANT to do. I guess I just want somebody to talk to or hang out with so I can stay sane and have the motivation to do what it takes to figure this all out. I guess in other words I need some sort of support (that kind of rhymed) to keep me going. It's hard to remember that I have friends that care about me when they aren't around to remind me. Oh well, I don't really know what to think about all of this or what else to say. I can't even make any conclusion from all of this, but I guess I will at least try to stay in the mood I am currently in. If I can't be happy or satisfied, I can at least try to be optimistic. There is so much I need to accomplish to even get to the beginning stages of making progress. I guess I'll make it somehow, with or without the help of others if I really put my mind to it. It's so much easier to just give up and complain and get depressed, but I will try to not do so much of that. Thank you everybody who has ever had any kind of hope in me whatsoever. I will need it the most right now.
( contrast and compare )
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Monday, February 9th, 2004
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My life is going nowhere and everything I've always wanted to experience has yet to happen. Even when I'm not lonely, I still feel so left out and out of place. I feel like I'm just simply missing out on life. It seems like everyone is in on one big game that I don't know about, and they are having so much fun doing so. I mean yeah, there are people who care, but they aren't in any position to do anything for me. They all have their busy daily schedules with school, jobs, free time with other friends, and time with their girlfriends/boyfriends. I have friends, but I'm obviously last on their list and I don't blame them. I always come along when everybody already has a million friends. All of the fascinating people I meet already have their many groups of friends that get priority over me. I guess I'm just screwed since I'm not in school and I don't have a job. There is no way for me to meet anyone. I hate this. I want to feel close to other person. I want to experience the things that they experience. I want to do the things that friends do that I have never done. I want to go places, do pointless fun things, and just have a good time and laugh with another breathing human being. I want to be in on the inside jokes and be there when the things happen that will be talked about for weeks. I simply haven't done anything in life though. What do I have to show for all of these years so far? It seems like there is nothing. I just have movies. How can I go on with my own life and start making my own future when I don't have the confidence to do so? I can't make it out in this world alone. I need somebody to be here for me. I need more than typed words on a screen and hellos and goodbyes at shows and church. I just wish I knew someone who felt the same and specifically wanted to change all of this with me. Life shouldn't be this lonely, this depressing, this uneventful, and so on. I watch movies on most weekdays, I go to shows on the weekend, I go to youth group on Wednesday. That is pretty much all I do. All of those things are fun at the time, but as soon as they are over, it's as if they never happened. I don't benefit from them really, they just help pass the time. Fun is not in my vocabulary. Everyday is the same for the most part; just me and my thoughts and what I do to pass the time alone in this empty house. How is a job going to fix any of this? It will most likely just end up being another way to pass the time and nothing more. I know I could go to college, but I wouldn't make it. I can't go where my friends are, so I would have no motivation whatsoever to go to school all day just to come home to the same empty depressing house and sit alone in my room. I wonder if I will even have the motivation to keep a job. I know the money is meaningless to me. My parents have always been convinced that I am disabled (mentally) and I can get $550 or so from the government every month if I want to. It's just my depression; it's bad enough that they can call it some stupid medical term just because I fit some statistic that really doesn't mean anything. I've been diagnosed with so many things and have been on so many different kinds of medications that it's ridiculous. I haven't seen a doctor or taken any medication for anything in years though. I guess what the doctors don't get is that maybe peoples' lives are just bad enough that they have lots of problems resulting from that alone, and not some kind of disease they were born with or something that they can treat like they can the common cold. Oh well, I guess like always I will somehow get by without killing myself. I don't even know what I'm waiting for anymore or what I want. I am lacking so much. There is so much that I desire, dream about, wish for, hope for, just to always be let down. I don't even know where to begin with making progress. I have far too many problems and they are all problems I've always had. I guess you just get used to everything after awhile. You get used to the loneliness, the depression, the sadness, all of it. It's just part of the daily routine. I wish it wasn't, but there really isn't a whole lot I can do. I just pray and try to be as positive about my life and myself as I can and hope that things get better if I wait it all out. I wish I could say that I've accomplished something or that I've came out ahead because I didn't give up. I can't recall ever doing anything though. Every day, every week, every month, every year...it's all the same. The only things that change with time are my age and my amount of knowledge. I don't know how much longer I can go on with this. Hope seems to always be fading away. I guess I'm still holding on for something. I guess there's always something to dream about, regardless of it it's realistic or not. So I guess I will continue to sit here alone in my room in this empty depressing house and think about all of the many ways that my life could be better and about all of the things I'm missing out on. I'll watch movies and pretend that the characters lives are my own and try to feel what they feel and experience what they experience since there is nothing really here for me in reality. I'll go to sleep at night thinking about all of the things I want to do and dream about doing them, just to wake up and realize that I am simply not living at all. I'll write about how depressed I am in my journal and type pretty much the same things I do everytime, since nothing ever changes. I'll complain to the same people on instant messenger and I'll go to church and shows and pretend like everything is perfectly fine like always. This is my life death.
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Sunday, February 8th, 2004
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Friday, February 6th, 2004
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It seems that if you don't have an outgoing personality, nobody will ever notice you, talk to you, want to hang out with you, or have any interest in you whatsoever whether it's friendship-wise or otherwise. I can't change who I am. I guess I'm doomed to stand alone in corners for the rest of my life. People have a hard enough time noticing me when I am around, so they must not really think about me at all when I'm not around. I want to have close friends. I want to hang out with a girl for once. I want there to be more to my social life than saying hi to people at shows and having pointless smalltalk with people online. I am thankful for the few...I mean one...err maybe two people who seem to care enough to make my relatioship with them more than all of that, but it's just not enough. I don't get to see friends that often. I'm lucky to get to hang out with anyone even once a month. Going to shows and saying hi to people that I wish I could actually hang out with and carry on conversations with but cannot just doesn't cut it anymore. I see the same people each time and nothing ever changes and we never grow any closer. I'm just a face with a name attatched, but nothing more if even that. I want to be somebody, and I know who I am shouldn't be measured by what other people think of me through their eyes, but I want to measure up, I want to matter, I want to belong, But I don't and I cannot. Fuck everything; fuck everyone.
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I can't think of anything to say that hasn't already been said. I don't have any good or bad news to report, nothing worth mentioning has happened lately, and there's nothing specific that's been on my mind lately...nothing at all. I'm really bored and I would be sleeping right now if I could. Things are okay I guess. I have a few things to look forward to and that's better than nothing, which is the norm for me. My sister will be in town for a week during her spring break, so it will be good to see her. I'm going to a show tomorrow night, so I guess that will be fun (hopefully). Umm...I've been renting a whole lot of movies like usual, which is still what the majority of my time goes to. Let's see...I should know more about my job situation (the absence of having one) pretty soon. Monday I should finally know what my options are. I know I've been saying that forever, but things keep on getting set back for numerous stupid reasons. I guess I've still been thinking about college alot, as far as considering if I need/want it and if it is really possible or realistic at this point. I have plenty of time though and I'm not going to school this year because I want to try to work for at least a year and see what it's like since I haven't had a job before. Hmm...so it's been almost one year wasted, and depending on how working goes, it might end up being two and so on and so on if I continue to have no idea what to do with my life. I guess I'm more concerned about my lack of a social life though and it's hard for me to make decisions about my future when it doesn't matter what you do in life if you are lonely and depressed while doing it. I guess I'm still searching for some motivation and self-confidence, and it's hard to really find that within myself and the things I am capable of doing. I guess the things I'm lacking that I try to find from other people are things I should be looking elsewhere for, since I can't seem to ever be close enough to anyone that matters to me for me to fix any of my problems. I know I can stay occupied by listening to music, reading books, and watching movies, and that there are enough of them to keep me busy until I die, but I don't want that to be my life. I just wish there was something I could be a part of. Everyone has their groups of friends, their colleges, their bands, their significant others, their jobs, and so on, and I'm not a part of any of it. It seems that even if I had a way to hang out with people more, I would still feel left out. Whatever it takes to be a best friend, a close friend, a boyfriend even, I seem to be lacking all of those things. It seems as if I will always just be that guy that everyone "knows", but nobody really knows. My name is known, what I write in here is known, but really there doesn't seem to be much else that is known by other people. Maybe people don't want to get to know me. I know some do, but it seems that they don't have the time to. There are so many people that I want to really get to know, and I want them to really know me. I guess my life just takes me places that nobody else goes it seems, and that my paths never intersect with others'. The more and more I think about it though, it seems as if I haven't went anywhere at all and everyone else is just passing me. I'm the hitchhiker on the side of the road waiting for somebody to give me direction, or let me join them on their trip to wherever they are going. I guess this is my fault though. I know people will tell me that the answers lie within myself and only I can figure these things out and make choices accordingly to change things, or that I should be more faithful and rely on God more. It just seems that everything I have done has failed and most likely failed God as well. I just don't know what to do. I guess I will just do what I always have done and just wait and hope for the answers, since there is never any course of action that I can take that hasn't already been taken. I feel so helpless. Maybe life will just unexplainably become good somehow by the way of others' actions and/or just simple cause and effect. I know it's stupid to think that will happen, but I don't know, I guess I feel that there has to be a limit to how bad life can get before it somehow gets better. It seems if you wait it out, that something/someone will eventually show promise and give hope, I just wish those things would last because I really need something/someone like that right now. Oh well, anybody who cares, please keep me in your thoughts/prayers. I can't do this alone, and I don't know how I ever even got this far. I need progress and progress seems so out of the question. Maybe someday I will understand all of this looking back on it and it won't seem as bad. Maybe for some odd reason I will be thankful for all of this some day. I just wish I could currently understand all of the things that have been troubling me so that I can fix them. There has to be a future for me, otherwise life/fate is more cruel than I ever imagined. I know everybody goes through tough times, but it seems to always be that way for me day in and day out. Maybe I'm just destined for failure, to be alone and die alone, to suffer time and time again for no reason, and to spend all of my life in confusion and sadness. Err...I can't express in words how much I hate my life/self. It's sad to think that I would be happy if I died right now, not because I've really lived, but because I feel that I never will truly live and that it's better to end it now than to wait forever on something that won't happen. I've been praying for death lately actually, as horrible as that is. I just want this all to end, even though I'm too much of a coward to do anything about it. I think I'll stop here before I worry anyone, that might possibly care, anymore than I might have already. Umm...somebody talk to me. Call me, visit me, talk to me online, write me a letter, anything, I just cannot stand this loneliness.
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Tuesday, February 3rd, 2004
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Everybody that posted anonymously in my journal should reveal themselves...because I said so...and stuff. If you don't want to tell me what comment you made, at least let me know that you did comment. I only made a single anonymous comment to one specific person out of all of the people who did this on my friends page. If you really want to know if I commented on your's you can ask me and I will tell you. Oh and you can still comment if you like, even if you already have and I will see it.
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Monday, February 2nd, 2004
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HOLY CRAP!!! I just figured out how to make my synthesizer sound like an old NES racing game! It's so fun to accelerate and then hit the breaks on the keyboard while pretending I'm driving a race car. Man, this is crazy. I made this other setting that sounds like a falling rocket. I figured out how to make cheesy 80's horror music as well. I feel like a kid again.
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So I'm jumping on the bandwagon and doing this like so many other people on my friends list because I have nothing else better to do at the moment. Sorry that I haven't replied to anybody's; I just really have nothing that I would say anonymously to anyone. I don't keep secrets (my own I mean, I keep others').
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
This message is addressed to everyone who is reading this post. I want you to post anything that you want. Anything. Post a story, a secret, a confession, a fear, a love - anything. Be sure to post anonymously and honestly. Post twice if you'd like, and then put this in your LJ to see what your friends (and perhaps others who you don't even realize read your LJ) have to say.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
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Saturday, January 31st, 2004
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I imagined I was lying with my head in your lap, looking up at you as you smiled at me and softly sang me to sleep while running your fingers through my hair. I wonder what you were thinking about. Were you thinking about him? I guess it doesn't matter, because I know you weren't thinking about me.
I love you
I love you
I love you
Shoot me in the face
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Thursday, January 29th, 2004
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1/23 Friday - show
1/24 Saturday - show
1/25 Sunday - visit friends at IWU
1/26 Monday - visit friends at IWU
1/27 Tuesday - visit friends at IWU
1/28 Wednesday - visit friends at IWU
1/29 Thursday - lunch and a movie with my dad
1/30 Friday - show
From last Friday to this coming Friday will end up probably being the best time I've had in a long time. I hope things continue to be this good. It feels nice to have plans for once and to get out of this house and enjoy the company of others.
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Wednesday, January 28th, 2004
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Tuesday, January 27th, 2004
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indie. 26-31 scene points. you are waaayy too cool
for emo, even though there is no difference.
how many scene points do you have?
brought to you by Quizilla
I accidentally dated my last entry wrong, so I'm not sure if it showed up on anybody's friends page. So you can go read it in my journal if you missed it or something.
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tired.
depressed.
hopeful.
determined.
aggravated.
contemplative.